The recorded story that you just heard is very representative of all the stories that were shared with me. Although each one is unique they all have similar characteristics and progressions, and once you recognize these signs you can’t help but know what’s coming in the next story that you hear. 

Based on  the immediacy and volume of responses, (within the first two hours of announcing the search for volunteers I received over 25 responses from people interested in participating in the project and telling their stories),  I was struck by the realization of the sheer volume of people out there who have experienced domestic abuse in their lives. 

Many volunteers chose to participate as a way to promote healing, both for themselves and for others who may have had similar experiences . They expressed the negative impact that it continues to have, on their lives, their mental health, their relationships and education. Yet, many also reported growing and feeling stronger as a result of the healing process. As one volunteer described: 

“I've grown as a person to be a gentler soul.  I used to be a little bit more aggressive than I am now, but I'm a lot more patient and calmer because I had to learn how to maintain that perfect personality. But honestly, as I've grown and I’ve moved away from fear, It [my mindset] has gotten to be pretty good. I have control of myself again, and at the same time, I see a lot more in the world.”

While some volunteered to promote their healing or the healing of others who have experienced abuse, there were others who volunteered to spread awareness of domestic violence. To show that it's a lot more common than you might think and to give a voice to the many many other survivors who still haven’t gotten their voices back. As one participant remarked:  “As a social work major, we talk about these things, and having been through it myself, too, I really liked the ideas surrounding the project. It resonated, I guess, and I know it's a good way to bring more awareness”. 

“You start seeing a lot more of the signs around you in different situations. God, I wish this didn't have to be the case. I wish it wasn’t so many of us, because we'll sit and we'll have a conversation with each other, brand new people we just met in real life, and realize we have almost the same story because it happened to both of us, and we start to notice.”

“I know that domestic violence, sexual assault, abuse are very, very hard things for survivors to live with and talk about. I have done a lot of work on myself, and I healed through being able to talk about it by being able to tell my story. It honestly helps so much to have those conversations with people who have similar experiences [to] realize you're not alone. We say the same things. We remember the same pains and tortures in different fonts essentially. By volunteering to help, I just want [to help people] to realize they're not alone.”

The abuse that all of the volunteers experienced included verbal, emotional as well as physical. They have all left their relationships, after realizing that nothing was going to change and that they would most likely die if they didn’t. However, many of them are still being stalked by their abusers and they note that there is a significant lack of support from law enforcement, colleges, Title IX programs, courts and sometimes even family that leaves them feeling discouraged, unimportant and betrayed by the very systems that are in place to “protect”.

One of the common characteristics of abusive relationships is that the relationships almost never start out that way. When asked what they wish others knew about domestic abuse, volunteers often mentioned wanting people to understand this.  

“It usually tends to start out with things more like manipulation and gaslighting before it turns physical. I just, I wish more people knew how to pick up on those signs earlier. And I wish more people knew that [once it starts] they can get out of it. I felt trapped for a while, I wish more people knew that they can get out of it”. 

The experiences these participants have had have clearly impacted their lives, mental health, and relationships in profound, long lasting ways. Many described having to relearn how to trust themselves, how to be comfortable in their own skins and feeling as though they don’t deserve to be treated well. They reported being  constantly on edge, still in “fight or flight mode”, constantly thinking of ways to escape and rehearsing what to do if they are attacked. They all were in agreement that:

“You're never free from it [emotionally]  as much as it may not [be  a part of] your everyday life anymore, part of you will always feel that little twinge of feeling stuck to it. That trauma binds itself to you, to your heart and your brain. And it's just like those little scars that will constantly remind you in the littlest ways.”